On Sunday, I woke up feeling extremely tired and achy. Oh, I wish I could just go back to bed, I complained inwardly. But, I got up anyway and went to spend time with the Lord. It was different than usual.
Why did I feel so dry and distant?
An hour later, I was still feeling tired and had a headache as well. Great. Now I feel even worse.
Where was the usual joy of the Lord?
My sister, Ariana, raced down the stairs and bumped into me. "I'm sure that wasn't an accident," I mumbled to myself, as she made a quick apology and scampered off.
Why was I so bitter?
A little while later, my dog rang the bell to go outside. I threw my coat and some shoes on and plodded out into the frigid air. As I stepped onto the grass, I heard the familiar "crunch" of frosted leaves being trampled on. I looked out onto our yard and noticed for the first time that it was covered with frost. Everything looks so cold, so lifeless, I thought.
Then the Lord convicted me with the same, exact picture. I had been cold and my attitude had not been displaying the life-giving nature of Christ. Instead of looking to Him for strength, I had been focused on my feelings, emotions, and desires.
"Heavenly Father," I confessed, "my heart is so hard! How can I be made soft again?"
Isn't the Lord so good?! At that moment, I looked again out onto the backyard and realized that not all of the leaves were hardened by frost. A bright streak of color revealed that some of the leaves had been softened...by the sun's warm rays.
I then understood the Lord's point. My heart, too, was cold and hard like those frost-covered leaves. But if I allowed the Son to shine His love, His desires, His emotions onto my heart, it could again be used to bring glory to Him. Oh, I have so much to learn! I have so much selfishness still buried deep within my heart. Cleanse me, Lord, cleanse me!
Many times, I wonder how He still loves me after all I do, how He is still patient with His disobedient daughter. But praise the Lord! His love is not like mine and He will never let me go!
How deep the Father's love for us,
how vast beyond all measure,
that He should give His only Son
to make a wretch His treasure!
"If a sudden jar can cause me to speak an impatient, unloving word, then I know nothing of Calvary love. For a cup brimful of sweet water cannot spill even one drop of bitter water, however suddenly jolted."
“If you would live in victory.…you must refuse to be dominated by the seen and the felt.”