A Trip on the Merry-Go-Round

Yep, you read that title right. And no, I'm not giving any secrets away. You'll just have to wait and see what that means. First, it's confession time.

Let's see. It's been, oh, nine days since I wrote the post about letting go. How has everybody else done with that one? Because this girl right here has some serious short-term memory issues.

Last week, it was really something. It was a normal Friday morning. I had my to-do list full of hopeful expectations for the day. Morning to early afternoon was devoted to homeschooling my cousin, Corinne, and getting through my to-dos. Afternoon to evening was given to my nanny job. There wasn't much wiggle room.

But what I didn't account for as I carefully scrawled in my plans was that within the hour, my mom, dad, and younger sister would all start feeling sick. Like, really sick. Awesome.

It felt like I put my planner in a blender and watched it get mushed into a million, tiny pieces. Yeah, it wasn't pretty. I was running around the house, juggling teaching with setting up activities for my two youngest siblings, while making lunch for everyone and caring for the sickies - all before I had to get ready and leave for work.

I'm fine, I told myself. This is no problem. I can serve my family. That's great.

My emotions weren't buying it. NO! This is not okay. This is an absolute disaster! Serving your family was definitely NOT on the to-do list!

And unfortunately, my emotions were winning out.

How dare they all get sick like this! I thought, as I rushed up the stairs and stormed into my parent's bedroom. "Can I get you anything?" I punctuated that question with a deep sigh, just to make sure they knew exactly how much this was inconveniencing me.

I know. I'm cringing over here, people. And umm, this is probably not a good time to mention that the sickness my family had was the same one I had had a couple days prior. So, I was mad at them for getting the sickness I gave them? *cough* Not a star moment, huh?

The joy I had felt during devotions was gone. I mean, like, packed-up-and-went-hauling-to-the-airport kind of gone. All my good expectations? My desire to abide in His presence and let go of my control? They must have all decided to take a family vacation that day.

And I was left, stuck on my own merry-go-round of bitterness, self-pity, and straight up angst. For those of you who know what I mean, that is not a fun merry-go-round to be on. Or get off of. Because once you're on that thing, it only spins faster and faster and faster. Eventually, the world around you is just a splash of colors and you're feeling so sick that you'll give anything to make it stop. But the longer you stay on the merry-go-round, the faster it goes. And jumping off that flying circle is going to hurt. A lot. It's either that or puking your guts out. Neither of those options sound very appealing.

Why, oh why, do I ever get on the merry-go-round?

But even as I hesitate in that swirling chaos, I hear His voice. In the jumble of color, I catch a glimpse of His outline, standing there. His arms open wide. He's calling to me. Me? The one who disobeyed Him in the first place by getting on this wheel of death. He's standing there and I can just make out His voice, "Come to Me, you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest."

And I jump.

On the morning I acted like a decapitated chicken, I could sense His prodding, sense His voice calling me back to Him. I knew I was wrong. I knew that my attitude was downright rotten - and that it was only getting worse as I allowed it to continue. But I didn't want to stop and admit it. It felt better to be upset.

Remember the story of Martha in the Bible? What were Jesus' words to her? "Martha, Martha, you are worried and burdened about so many things..."

Yikes. Am I the only one who can relate to that? That word "worried" means "to be anxious, troubled with cares, to seek to promote one's interests, caring or providing for". Wow. How often I seek to do good, but allow the cares and concerns of the logistics or the busyness to overwhelm me? But that's not just all. I was frustrated with my sick family because I wasn't able to get to the things I wanted to do. Selfishness. It goes back to the heart posture.

I love the contrast of Mary. Sitting at the feet of Jesus, simply looking up at His face, enamored with all that He is and catching every word as if it were gold. It was as if she didn't even hear Martha's shrieks of injustice and demands for help. She was undistracted. Undisturbed. Focused on her Lord.

That's where we have to have to start, friends. At His feet.

Because eventually, that to-do list does have to be attended to. That housework won't vanish on its own. That college paper won't write itself. That volunteer work is wonderful and right. We're not called to do nothing. But where is your gaze? What is your focus? What is your heart posture?

"...one thing is necessary..." Those were Jesus' words to Martha. Is He saying the same to us today? In all your striving, all your busyness, all your good intentions, have you misplaced your One Thing? Your One Love? Your One Need?

Don't let the merry-go-round entice you. I'm telling you from experience, that circular contraption is not worth it. Ever.

A Lesson Re-Learned

Dependent: unable to subsist or to perform any thing, without the aid of

Isn't this the perfect definition of a Christian?

I know. This word, dependence, is the absolute opposite of everything that our culture seeks to attain. Independence is the cry of the American dream.

And yet, as a follower of Jesus Christ, I know my own inadequacy. I'll shout from the rooftops that I am a miserable wretch without the grace of God. I see in my own life how selfish and utterly sinful I am without Him.

So, why do I need to keep learning this lesson, this lesson of dependence?

Why do I so quickly forget what it means to be dependent on Him, to know that I can do absolutely nothing good on my own? (John 15)

Over the past couple weeks, my main prayer has been, "Lord, make me like Jesus!" 

Over the past couple days, He's begun answering my prayer in a way I hadn't expected.

He's been showing me my sin. A neglect in abiding. A lack of love-induced obedience. My failure to completely depend upon Him. 

I've been so caught up in the busyness of life lately, that I've failed to give Him the first priority. Instead of allowing Him to wake me up in the middle of the night to pray or early in the morning to spend time with Him, I determined the amount of sleep I needed. Instead of giving Him the best hours of the day, I decided what I wanted to do.

And I wondered why I had been struggling to sense His presence? To be obedient? To know the Spirit's leading?

Oh friends, I have to keep learning this lesson...over and over again!
I AM NOTHING! HE IS EVERYTHING! 

When will I learn? When will this finally sink into my thick skull? 

Oh, He is worthy; He deserves so much more than my half-hearted love and obedience! And praise Him, praise Him, praise Him that He is so patient with His children! Through it all: every failure to abide, every negligence to depend, every time self reigns, He is faithful and His love has never changed! He is making me more like Himself by revealing my inability. He shows me out of love, so that I am led to depend upon Him afresh.

What more do I need to invoke me to worship, to joyful obedience? I have a Beloved like no other! No other Lover would bear with my weaknesses, love me through every failure, and graciously draw me back to His forgiving arms again.  And to think, He took my countless transgressions and gave me His spotless perfection! The God of the Universe sees me as righteous! Oh, what love! What glorious grace has been shed upon me, the chief of sinners!

"Nothing in my hand I bring,

Simply to the cross I cling;

Naked, come to Thee for dress;

Helpless look to Thee for grace;

Foul, I to the fountain fly;

Wash me, Savior, or I die."

Rock of Ages, Augustus Toplady

Even through the Tears...

Hello friends!
For the past several months, I've been following a wonderful blog called Proverbs 31 Wannabe. I've always been greatly encouraged by Tessa's posts; her love for the Lord is very evident. Recently, she asked me to write a guest post. So, I just thought I would let you know that a new post is up...it's just over at another blog. :)

Below is a snippet from the post that's over on Tessa's blog. And don't just go over to her blog to read the rest of my post. Sign up and follow her blog as well! I know you'll be encouraged!

I saw it out of the corner of my eye. The glass haphazardly rocked back and forth, warning me of its impending fall. I lurched across the kitchen, grasping the container only seconds before its oily contents would have spilled all over the new rug. “Thank you Lord,” I breathed, “thank you Lord!” My mind immediately jumped to the “what if” scenario, imagining the hours I would have had to spend cleaning the kitchen, if it had been smeared with splattered oil. I breathed a sigh of relief and again thanked the Lord for saving me from such a “horrible” situation. 

Would you have thanked Me if the oil had spilled?

Continue reading at Proverbs 31 Wannabe....

Joyful Obedience

 

Ah, yes...joyful obedience. That is the title of this post, but it is this very attitude that I've been struggling to give the Lord recently.

Can anyone out there relate?

Oh, it's a struggle, such a struggle! So many times, I know the Lord is calling me to do something. But, what do I do? I sit there, grumbling and arguing with my conscience, trying to think of some excuse that would be reasonable enough to disobey my Lord. (Is disobedience ever reasonable or excusable?)

Now, it's not that I never want to obey the Lord. The cry and passion of my heart is to obey Him. And yet, I still see so many little areas in my life where I exemplify grumbling or foot-dragging obedience. I remind myself of a toddler so often; arguing and fighting when my Father asks something of me, instead of immediately obeying with a joyful attitude.

But then, I am reminded of verses like Philippians 2:5-11...

"Have this attitude in yourselves which was also in Christ Jesus, who, although He existed in the form of God, did not regard equality with God a thing to be grasped, but emptied Himself, taking the form of a bond-servant, and being made in the likeness of men. Being found in appearance as a man, He humbled Himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross."

Christ, our Ultimate Example. The Lord Himself was obedient to His Father and joyfully submitted Himself to His will. Did Christ complain when the soldiers mercilessly flogged Him to a pulp? Was He seeking a way of escape when they threw His open body upon a cross, nailed His wrists to the planks of wood, and He bore the wrath of Almighty God? How many times did Jesus argue with His Heavenly Father before He gave into submission? Not once.

What was our Lord's prayer in the garden? "Not my will, but Yours be done."

Open hands. A willing heart. Surrender to the will of God.

I need these attitudes, long for them, am praying for them. But oh, it is so hard. That struggle with the flesh is so continual, so tiring at times. It is during these times of struggling that I need to remember to rest, in Him and in His Word.

"Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider Him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart." (Hebrews 12:1-3)

Praise the Lord that He has gone ahead of us and has paid our way, won the ultimate victory, and given us an example to follow. "Consider Him....so that you will not grow weary and lose heart."

Let us consider Him, my friends, as we run this race together. We do not run it alone, for the Lord is the One who gives us the strength to press on. May we rest in Him, knowing that He is faithful and is continually sanctifying us ever more into His precious image. Oh, I pray that we would have open hands and a joyful heart, ready to serve and obey our great God in whatever He might be calling us to.

And may He give us the grace to say, "Behold, the bondslave of the Lord; may it be done to me according to your word." (Luke 1:38)

His Grace

"Be gracious to me, O God, according to Your lovingkindness; according to the greatness of Your compassion, blot out my transgressions. Wash me thoroughly from my iniquity and cleanse me from my sin. For I know my transgressions, and my sin is ever before me." (Psalm 51:1-3)

This morning, the Lord convicted me of the selfishness pervading certain areas of my life. I was overwhelmed to be reminded yet again of how selfish I am. I am so sinful, so unworthy to be called His child! Yet, He loves me?! What grace, what unceasing love!

I will be explaining more about this in my next post, but for now I want to post a song that has been playing in my heart.

Grace - Laura Story



"For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing, will be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord." (Romans 8:38-39)

Covered with Frost

On Sunday, I woke up feeling extremely tired and achy. Oh, I wish I could just go back to bed, I complained inwardly. But, I got up anyway and went to spend time with the Lord. It was different than usual.

Why did I feel so dry and distant?

An hour later, I was still feeling tired and had a headache as well. Great. Now I feel even worse.

Where was the usual joy of the Lord?

My sister, Ariana, raced down the stairs and bumped into me. "I'm sure that wasn't an accident," I mumbled to myself, as she made a quick apology and scampered off.

Why was I so bitter?

A little while later, my dog rang the bell to go outside. I threw my coat and some shoes on and plodded out into the frigid air. As I stepped onto the grass, I heard the familiar "crunch" of frosted leaves being trampled on. I looked out onto our yard and noticed for the first time that it was covered with frost. Everything looks so cold, so lifeless, I thought.

Then the Lord convicted me with the same, exact picture. I had been cold and my attitude had not been displaying the life-giving nature of Christ. Instead of looking to Him for strength, I had been focused on my feelings, emotions, and desires.

"Heavenly Father," I confessed, "my heart is so hard! How can I be made soft again?"

Isn't the Lord so good?! At that moment, I looked again out onto the backyard and realized that not all of the leaves were hardened by frost. A bright streak of color revealed that some of the leaves had been softened...by the sun's warm rays.

I then understood the Lord's point. My heart, too, was cold and hard like those frost-covered leaves. But if I allowed the Son to shine His love, His desires, His emotions onto my heart, it could again be used to bring glory to Him. Oh, I have so much to learn! I have so much selfishness still buried deep within my heart. Cleanse me, Lord, cleanse me!

Many times, I wonder how He still loves me after all I do, how He is still patient with His disobedient daughter. But praise the Lord! His love is not like mine and He will never let me go!

How deep the Father's love for us,
how vast beyond all measure,
that He should give His only Son
to make a wretch His treasure!



"If a sudden jar can cause me to speak an impatient, unloving word, then I know nothing of Calvary love. For a cup brimful of sweet water cannot spill even one drop of bitter water, however suddenly jolted."

“If you would live in victory.…you must refuse to be dominated by the seen and the felt.”
~Amy Carmichael