A Trip on the Merry-Go-Round

Yep, you read that title right. And no, I'm not giving any secrets away. You'll just have to wait and see what that means. First, it's confession time.

Let's see. It's been, oh, nine days since I wrote the post about letting go. How has everybody else done with that one? Because this girl right here has some serious short-term memory issues.

Last week, it was really something. It was a normal Friday morning. I had my to-do list full of hopeful expectations for the day. Morning to early afternoon was devoted to homeschooling my cousin, Corinne, and getting through my to-dos. Afternoon to evening was given to my nanny job. There wasn't much wiggle room.

But what I didn't account for as I carefully scrawled in my plans was that within the hour, my mom, dad, and younger sister would all start feeling sick. Like, really sick. Awesome.

It felt like I put my planner in a blender and watched it get mushed into a million, tiny pieces. Yeah, it wasn't pretty. I was running around the house, juggling teaching with setting up activities for my two youngest siblings, while making lunch for everyone and caring for the sickies - all before I had to get ready and leave for work.

I'm fine, I told myself. This is no problem. I can serve my family. That's great.

My emotions weren't buying it. NO! This is not okay. This is an absolute disaster! Serving your family was definitely NOT on the to-do list!

And unfortunately, my emotions were winning out.

How dare they all get sick like this! I thought, as I rushed up the stairs and stormed into my parent's bedroom. "Can I get you anything?" I punctuated that question with a deep sigh, just to make sure they knew exactly how much this was inconveniencing me.

I know. I'm cringing over here, people. And umm, this is probably not a good time to mention that the sickness my family had was the same one I had had a couple days prior. So, I was mad at them for getting the sickness I gave them? *cough* Not a star moment, huh?

The joy I had felt during devotions was gone. I mean, like, packed-up-and-went-hauling-to-the-airport kind of gone. All my good expectations? My desire to abide in His presence and let go of my control? They must have all decided to take a family vacation that day.

And I was left, stuck on my own merry-go-round of bitterness, self-pity, and straight up angst. For those of you who know what I mean, that is not a fun merry-go-round to be on. Or get off of. Because once you're on that thing, it only spins faster and faster and faster. Eventually, the world around you is just a splash of colors and you're feeling so sick that you'll give anything to make it stop. But the longer you stay on the merry-go-round, the faster it goes. And jumping off that flying circle is going to hurt. A lot. It's either that or puking your guts out. Neither of those options sound very appealing.

Why, oh why, do I ever get on the merry-go-round?

But even as I hesitate in that swirling chaos, I hear His voice. In the jumble of color, I catch a glimpse of His outline, standing there. His arms open wide. He's calling to me. Me? The one who disobeyed Him in the first place by getting on this wheel of death. He's standing there and I can just make out His voice, "Come to Me, you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest."

And I jump.

On the morning I acted like a decapitated chicken, I could sense His prodding, sense His voice calling me back to Him. I knew I was wrong. I knew that my attitude was downright rotten - and that it was only getting worse as I allowed it to continue. But I didn't want to stop and admit it. It felt better to be upset.

Remember the story of Martha in the Bible? What were Jesus' words to her? "Martha, Martha, you are worried and burdened about so many things..."

Yikes. Am I the only one who can relate to that? That word "worried" means "to be anxious, troubled with cares, to seek to promote one's interests, caring or providing for". Wow. How often I seek to do good, but allow the cares and concerns of the logistics or the busyness to overwhelm me? But that's not just all. I was frustrated with my sick family because I wasn't able to get to the things I wanted to do. Selfishness. It goes back to the heart posture.

I love the contrast of Mary. Sitting at the feet of Jesus, simply looking up at His face, enamored with all that He is and catching every word as if it were gold. It was as if she didn't even hear Martha's shrieks of injustice and demands for help. She was undistracted. Undisturbed. Focused on her Lord.

That's where we have to have to start, friends. At His feet.

Because eventually, that to-do list does have to be attended to. That housework won't vanish on its own. That college paper won't write itself. That volunteer work is wonderful and right. We're not called to do nothing. But where is your gaze? What is your focus? What is your heart posture?

"...one thing is necessary..." Those were Jesus' words to Martha. Is He saying the same to us today? In all your striving, all your busyness, all your good intentions, have you misplaced your One Thing? Your One Love? Your One Need?

Don't let the merry-go-round entice you. I'm telling you from experience, that circular contraption is not worth it. Ever.

I'm back!

May 31, 2014.

That was the date of my last blogpost. Wow. Has it really been over a year and a half since I wrote on my blog?

It's amazing to think how much has happened in that time. All the different seasons of life, the trials, the joys, the questions, the growing. In that time, I've moved to Colorado to work at a ministry for almost a year, moved back home again, and have been homeschooling my cousin since September. Maybe more of those stories will come later...

I actually wasn't planning on resurrecting Unmerited Redemption. I thought my blog days had come and gone - and I was alright with that.

You see, around the time of my last blogpost, the Lord began opening my eyes to something that had been growing and festering and eating away at so much of my life. Pride...disguised as holiness. That's the ugliest kind.

Self-righteousness. Comparing my "standard" to others and judging those not following them. The list of do's and dont's. Beliefs that I clung to and boasted in. And I was blinded to how deep the pride had burrowed in my heart.

Jesus started shining His light in my heart and showing me the uglies. So, I stopped writing. I didn't want to continue a blog that had been used to boost my selfishness. But friends, the precious thing about our Savior is that He doesn't leave us in the uglies. He doesn't show us our sin to lead us to shame, to live in condemnation, or to hide from Him in guilt. He shows us our sin to lead us to the cross. To lead us to His perfection and the strength that only He can give.

That's the beauty of sanctification, of redemption. He can take what I've done with prideful motives and redeem it to show off the beauty of the cross. "For My power is made perfect in weakness." (2 Corinthians 12:9)

Paul understood this, didn't he? In the last part of that verse he writes, "Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me." In the blogging world, there's an appeal (at least for me) to hold up a mask and try to show off my "put-together" Christianity. To look as clean and neat as possible. But that's not what I'm here to do. That's not what shows off my Jesus. I'm here to boast in His strength, to celebrate the victories He brings, and be open and honest about the struggles that are real. The difficulties that seem overwhelming or hopeless. The pain that feels pointless. Masks off, okay? Because we might all be in different seasons, but we're all just little sheep being led by a great Shepherd. So let's walk this journey together, shall we?

Resting on His Promise

I know. I know. It's been a dreadfully long time since I last wrote, hasn't it?

Well, life has been full...and the Lord is SO good...and next week is Thanksgiving and...where is this year going?

Lately, the Lord has been leading me through a time of disciplinary refinement, for lack of a better term.

You know those times where you think to yourself, "Boy, I haven't struggled with many "big" sins lately...I guess the Lord is really working on my sanctification,"? And then, because you feel so high and spiritual, you pray (even though you know you don't really need to), "Lord, if there are any unknown areas of sin in my life, show them to me. Open my eyes to any area that I haven't given completely over to You." You finish your prayer, feeling content that you are both an obedient and surrendered servant of the Lord.

A week or two goes by and suddenly, things change. The Lord starts revealing sins in your life that you never saw or had simply grown calloused to. To make it "worse," it's not the "safe reputation" kind of discipline. It's the kind where the Lord uses your parents, siblings, and friends to bring those sins to light. It's painful and it's hard. You ask the Lord why all of this is being thrust upon you and He gently reminds you of that proud prayer you spoke, asking Him to refine you.

Mhhmm...can anyone else relate? This is where I've been the past couple days, working through ungodly habits, confessing previously unrealized sins, and re-discovering the boundless grace and mercy of my Savior.

No, it's not fun....but truly, this is where sanctification begins, isn't it?! In brokenness. In repentance. In learning to lay myself and all my failures at the nail-pierced feet of Jesus.

I can claim that I've surrendered myself by prayerfully "giving" all I am to Christ. It sounds good. It feels spiritual. But if I plead for Christ to take all of me and then refuse when He comes to claim His possession, how is that true surrender? If surrender is merely lip action, I've only deceived myself.

Yes, it's a struggle, a constant struggle. It's all too easy for me to look at myself, see a host of previously unrecognized sins bogging me down, and become overwhelmed by my failures.

"It's too hard."
"I can never be victorious."
"I'm only good at failing; I'll never succeed!"

And it's true. Being victorious over sin is too hard on my own. I won't ever be victorious in my own strength. When I look at my resume, it's only a list of repeated failures and losses. But that's not where my eyes should be. Because I am "in Christ", there is now no condemnation and He has set me free from the law of sin and death! Hallelujah, what a Savior!

My eyes must continually be focused on Christ!

There's a beautiful example of this in 2 Chronicles 20. It says in verses 2, "Then some came and reported to Jehoshaphat, saying, 'A great multitude is coming against you from beyond the sea, out of Aram and behold, they are in Hazazon-tamar (that is Engedi).'"

Can't you just imagine this scenario?! It's a normal day in the palace of the king. Everyone is going about their business, when suddenly a messenger bursts into the throne room with terror written across his face. He stumbles before the king and announces that a great enemy has come against Judah and is already in the land, ready to attack. Panic fills the throne room, yet each voice is hushed to hear what the king's decision will be. The pale-faced king sits in silence for a moment, pondering the overwhelmingly grave news.

In verse 3, we find out his response. "Jehoshaphat was afraid and turned his attention to seek the Lord, and proclaimed a fast throughout all Judah."

I love how that was Jehoshaphat's first reaction. He was afraid, so what did he do? Turned his attention to seek the Lord.

In verse 6, he begins a prayer to the Lord in the presence of all the people. Notice the way that he approaches Him. "'O Lord  the God of our fathers, are You not God in the heavens? And are You not ruler over all the kingdoms of the nations? Power and might are in Your hand so that no one can stand against You." Jehoshaphat reminds himself and all the people of the character and power of  the God they serve.

And then, if you continue to verse 12, you arrive at the last sentence of his prayer... and one of my favorite verses.

"For we are powerless before this great multitude who are coming against us; nor do we know what to do, but our eyes are on You."

Isn't that just beautiful?! Oh, I have used this verse so many times, when I find myself overwhelmed by my sin. Just like Jehoshaphat, our spiritual enemy is seeking to devour us. And when we are fighting in our own strength, there is nothing we can do to stop him.

We have to come to the end of ourselves and cease striving in our own strength. Only Christ and His power through us will be victorious over sin. We must look to Christ and remind ourselves, like Jehoshaphat, who our God is and what He has promised to do on our behalf. And then, as we'll see from our story in 2 Chronicles, we must trust our God and praise Him that He will do what He has promised.

Let's pick up where we left off with Jehoshaphat. In verses 15-17, we read the Lord's response to His people's cry for help. "'Do not fear or be dismayed because of this great multitude, for the battle is not yours but God's...You need not fight in this battle; station yourselves, stand and see the salvation of the Lord on your behalf, O Judah and Jerusalem. Do not fear or be dismayed; tomorrow go out to face them, for the Lord is with you.'"

This is such an encouragement, isn't it?! To know and be able to stand on the promise that our God is with us and He will be our salvation!

One more quick point. After the Lord spoke to the people, observe their reaction (verses 18-19). "..All Judah and the inhabitants of Jerusalem fell down before the Lord, worshiping the Lord...[they] stood up to praise the Lord God of Israel, with a very loud voice." They praised and worshiped their God before He had done anything. Their enemy was still marching toward them. No victory had been wrought. They had every earthly reason to continue wallowing in fear. And yet, they didn't. Why? Because they stood on the promise of God, knowing that He would do all that He had said.

Oh, this is so convicting! How much more should we, who have been given the very Word of God and have the Holy Spirit dwelling inside us, take the Lord at His Word and charge confidently into battle, relying on His Word and the strength of His might?

O Lord, bring us to the end of ourselves. Show us our utter helplessness apart from You. Grow our faith in You and teach us to praise You, despite the circumstances of our life. Thank you for all of the promises that You've given us in Your Word. How blessed we are to be Your children! We look to You now and trust that You will do more than we could ask or imagine. Praise Your glorious name!

"Out of the depths I have cried to You, O Lord.

Lord, hear my voice!

Let Your ears be attentive to the voice of my supplications.

If You, Lord, should mark iniquities,

O Lord, who could stand?

But there is forgiveness with You, that You may be feared.

I wait for the Lord, my soul does wait, 

and in His word do I hope.

My soul waits for the Lord

more than the watchmen for the morning;

indeed, more than the watchmen for the morning.

O Israel, hope in the Lord;

for with the Lord there is lovingkindness, 

and with Him is abundant redemption.

And He will redeem Israel from all his iniquities."

Psalm 130

His Grace

"Be gracious to me, O God, according to Your lovingkindness; according to the greatness of Your compassion, blot out my transgressions. Wash me thoroughly from my iniquity and cleanse me from my sin. For I know my transgressions, and my sin is ever before me." (Psalm 51:1-3)

This morning, the Lord convicted me of the selfishness pervading certain areas of my life. I was overwhelmed to be reminded yet again of how selfish I am. I am so sinful, so unworthy to be called His child! Yet, He loves me?! What grace, what unceasing love!

I will be explaining more about this in my next post, but for now I want to post a song that has been playing in my heart.

Grace - Laura Story



"For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing, will be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord." (Romans 8:38-39)